A Breast Cancer Patient’s Prayer
—- by Debbie Loesel Stanton
Oh dear God,
I haven’t talked to you in awhile,
but even if I had,
I would still feel like
I had been washed in a turbo washer
and hung out to dry, miles above the earth;
so totally alone,
even though I know you are actually with me
and I have my family and friends and care team pulling for me.
I hate it when people say
“It’s God’s will”, because I know
that you do not want people to hurt and get sick;
that’s just the way things go in this world.
God, my cancer isn’t your fault,
but can you please help me anyway?
I have many, many people and things to live for.
Can you make sure I can stick around here for awhile?
I want to make a bargain with you,
but that’s silly, because what do I have to offer you?
My faith and trust are on a downward slope right now,
they are threatening to disappear
like a rock on a slippery, icy mountain slope.
And, I also feel like I’m drowning;
please don’t let the waters of fear or illness
It’s been real hard to pray this, Lord,
because my thoughts wander all over the place;
my head is spinning and my nerves are as tight as violin or guitar strings.
I’m ready to explode into a great big puddle.
Please, please take your little girl’s hand
and lead her away from the shadow of death.
They say you’re walking with me through this valley,
but I don’t feel you, God!! Please help!
Maybe someday when my thoughts aren’t so muddled
you can tell me why this is happening to me.
For now, I imagine me climbing up into your lap and being rocked to sleep
I know you care for me, it’s just very hard to believe that right now.
I know you understand…
Oh, and one more thing Lord.
Please keep these people away from me:
ones who say they know just what I’m going through,
when actually they have never had cancer.
And the ones who ask if I need anything but then don’t follow through,
also the ones who give me advice about wigs and breast reconstruction
because they have never had to consider these things.
In trying to be helpful, they say anything they can think of.
Help me to be patient with them; they know not what they do.
Help me to obey my doctor’s orders
so that this very long road will not have to be even longer.
Please help your little warrior fight this battle.
Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the Lord my soul to keep…